I've been putting it off for a few months, now, but I think the time has come to get this story up to date.
At the end of June/beginning of July, we took a much-anticipated trip to our old town and the surrounding areas to see old friends. We hadn't been back there for a year and a half, and we were really excited to reconnect with old friends and see how their kids had grown. Lots of them had had babies. I was keeping track at one point, but I lost count. I met lots of babies I hadn't met before-I would guess more than five and possibly less than ten.
Had we made the trip several months earlier, I think holding all those babies would have been really hard on me. But since we had resolved last fall to pursue adoption, God had done a lot of healing in us, especially me, in a short time. The months and years of infertility (both before and after Jonathan) just didn't hurt like they had before. And I was actually hopeful: hopeful that God had a plan to grow our family and that we would actually adopt at some point. (Infertility treatments had never involved any hope for me, just despair.) Jeff, Jonathan, and I were really excited about our family growing. The nursery had been ready since January, our profile was finally available online, and all three of us were praying for God to bring a baby to be a part of our family. So, when I held these new babies, I didn't experience pain, but hope. And it was also nice that I remembered how to get along with babies! :)
We had a wonderful trip and saw so many special friends. Even friends that we hadn't been in such close contact with had heard about our adoption plans and were excited for us. Word travels fast! We have been truly blessed by all the friends and family who have prayed with us and for us on this journey. I don't know that many of you read this blog, but if you do, thank you!!! It's so wonderful to experience that connection with everyone and know that as God blesses us, he blesses the people who are praying for us, too.
I planned to tackle a big project when we got home: getting rid of my maternity clothes. They had been sitting in the garage for a long time, getting outdated and not doing anyone any good. So, I wanted to give them away while they were still useful to someone. Even though we hadn't been trying to get pregnant for over a year and were 100% sure about adopting, it was still hard to do. Being pregnant with Jonathan was really a special time for us, and I wasn't looking forward to reliving that time and grieving its loss.
When we got home, my cycle was "late." This has happened lots of times before and has meant nothing, so I'm not really sure why I did this, but I took a pregnancy test. I had one from the dollar store left over and sitting under my sink. (If you are reading this and trying to get pregnant, I highly recommend the dollar store tests. They are not as nice and high-tech, but they get the job done and cost a dollar! You'll save a ton of money if you don't get pregnant right away.)
The test was positive.
You can imagine how shocked I was. Maybe. Jeff and I were completely taken aback. I'm not sure how to adequately describe how this felt. We had been pregnant on our trip but had not known it. Getting pregnant was the last thing in the world we expected. It took us some time to wrap our minds around the fact that we were going to have a baby by birth and not adoption, at least for now. Time like days and weeks, not hours. We had been really excited about adoption and were looking forward to the possibility of a colorful family. So I hope it doesn't sound ungrateful to say this, because believe me, we were overwhelmed with gratitude. But we really did feel some loss to let go of the adoption, at least for the time being.
(If you're not familiar with Bethany, you might not know that they have a policy for prospective adoptive parents who become pregnant. The short story is that, when you become pregnant, your profile goes on hold and stays on hold until your child is born and grows up a little. When he/she is 18 months old, you can reactivate and update your profile and get back into the adoption process. We knew this from the beginning but didn't think it applied to us. So, when we found out we were pregnant, we let Bethany know first so they could put our profiles aside for now. We still plan to adopt later!)
Did I mention how shocked we were? In the midst of the shock and gratitude, I did have one big fear, and it wasn't fear of miscarrying. It was the fear of causing pain to other infertile and trying-to-adopt couples. (And if you've followed this blog and this is how you're learning about our news, I am so, so sorry if I am causing you pain, too.) I have heard sooo many times, "If you'd just adopt (or relax,) you'll get pregnant." Or some variation on that theme. Or some acquaintance who has experienced that. The truth is that, statistically, adoptive couples are not any more likely to become pregnant than couples who don't adopt. The stories are fun and get told a lot, but it's just not likely to happen. And, if you are trying unsuccessfully to grow your family, this is a really painful thing to hear.
So, not only did I dread breaking the news to our new friends who were trying to adopt. I was afraid of our story being told far and wide as another "so-and-so tried to adopt and get pregnant, so you should, too" story. I felt very unworthy of receiving this miracle! So many others have never had a child, and we already had Jonathan. So I don't know why God chose us. And we really are unworthy, and it really is a miracle. But here we are, still shocked and grateful, and we did break the news to everyone. I thought it was hard, and I did worry about our story hurting infertile couples. Jeff didn't think it was that big of a deal, and maybe he's right. I was glad to get the news told to the people I was concerned about, and mostly, it went OK.
Sharing our surprise with friends and family has been a tremendous privilege and joy, which I've shared about a little on our other blog. But this is our adoption story, so I'm not going to go into that here. I am still trying to do what I can to slow down the "just adopt and you'll get pregnant" myth. It's hard, partly because that did actually happen to us, and mostly because so many people believe it! I can't tell you how many people have brought that up when they've learned we're expecting. If you were one of those people, please don't worry about it now! But I hope you'll consider not saying that to friends who are struggling. :) And remember, it's not often true.
So. Here we are. Twenty weeks pregnant. Still in shock. And gratitude. I'm not quite sure what to say, but I do know this: God has a plan. He is going to work it out in his way and his time. The journey will not always be fun or the way we have planned it, but it will be for our good. It won't be ordinary. And it will bring him glory!
(If you're wondering...I still will update the blog now and then with adoption information and news...feel free to keep following us!!)
